oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Randomize
