Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
