i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Randomize
