i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
