My friends, they love my intelligence
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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