8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
