i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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