oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
