i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
