Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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