omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
