i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
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