He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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