he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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