Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I have aggressive nipples.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
