i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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