How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize