I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
