Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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