i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I did not marry a roomba.
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