i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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