then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
