The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm lost and stupid without you.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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