my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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