Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
