why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
