went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
my god I love twenty year old dicks
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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