woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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