so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
im six kinds of drunk right now
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
