Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
