you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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