Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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