i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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