Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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