I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
