Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
