I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
