oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
In America we eat man semen.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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