she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize