Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
as a side note pls kill me
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
