I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I looked at my own cervix.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
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