I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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