I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
