People in love make me want to vomit
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
my poor anus
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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