conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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