So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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