Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
