I smell stomach acid.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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