I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
