areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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