Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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