she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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