Someone shit on the floor
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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