I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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