Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
