God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
