I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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